How positively wretched it is to discover that the person you like, the very same person who has been leading you for about two months now, only thinks of you as a friend. Marvelous misery is what I call it. Absolutely charming.

So here I am wondering. After several days of fantastic rps fanfiction and not one dent into my pile of holiday homework, I'm starting to think that a photo of my girlfriend sleeping in class isn't the best choice for mobile phone wallpaper. After a long period of nothing, my family situation hit an all new low and I'm now looking at the possibility that I might be moving out with my mom. Guiltily, I kind of look forward to an experience like that. I hate feeling pampered and lazy >X3

It's tempting to just list everything down. Not only have I neglected prayer and my connection with God for these past few days, I'm egging my mom to get a divorce. Despite knowing that my holidays are going to start soon, I haven't started on my homework and am instead typing idly at my stories while silently worshipping lady_razzle's writing. Pour all that in a cauldron of steaming water and let it simmer for a while.

Often, I'm tempted to flip out my phone and show my mom the photo on my wallpaper. I'd say, "Mom, this is my boyfriend."

She'd frown but give a silent sigh of relief because the person in the photo is obviously Chinese, albeit a little wild-looking. Another sigh of relief because I said *boy*friend. Then she'd say, "He looks like a girl."

Taking a deep breath, I'd tell her, "She *is* a girl." From that point on, I'm not sure how she would react. But because there is too much happening and she really doesn't need this from me right now, I won't tell her. I won't tell anyone in my family that for almost two months now, I have been moping after, been infatuated with and was flirting with a girl whose values and morals are a completely one-eighty from mine. In fact, she is so different, it could give you whiplash just thinking about it.

But fact remains that we were attracted to one another. I use the word 'were' because I'm not sure how it is between us now. Before she leaves for her hometown for CNY, she jokingly says that she's my boyfriend. So are we in a relationship? Is it mutually exclusive? I don't know. I'm not sure if I should bring myself to care. Because the last time I did, I ended up emo-ing for weeks and I hated that feeling.

The hormonal teenage side of me wants to kiss her neck and embrace her from behind (if she lets me). The egotistical side of me smiles as she thinks about how she can 'brag' to her niece and nephews (when they're all grown up) that her first relationship was with a fellow girl and watch with relish as their eyes bugs and their little feet bring them to their parents, demanding if their crazy aunt was being serious. But the sensible part of me, the part that knows I should be putting God first, tells me that this is nothing but a game. It was the same game I played in high school, albeit this time, the feelings were more tangible and my 'girlfriend' is manlier-looking (and attractive, I might add), but nothing more can really come out of this relationship.

If I had any say in it, we'd be flirt buddies. I'd love to have someone I could playfully flirt around harmlessly with; someone I could embrace, tease, peck on the face and grope from the behind and if that someone is as attractive as her, then lucky me. In all honesty, I'm already dong that with my best friend (sans the groping). If I could have a casual relationship like that with my so-called girlfriend now, that would be wonderful.

Eventually, I'll get over her (I hope). I'm certain that I'll find someone whom I'll be more attracted to. I'm equally certain that he isn't in this country.

There's nothing more depressing than the feeling of alienation. Ah, well, at least I know that no matter what happens to me, I'll always have God =3

It's the Saturday night before the start of Exploration Week. We have no class on Monday, thanks to Deepavali, otherwise I'm sure one of our sadistic lecturer's would've used up Monday too. Sigh, there goes Exploration Week. It even feels ill-fitting to call it that anymore.

In any case, thanks to the space opened up on Monday, I've allowed myself to return to my bedroom tonight. I call it 'giving me some space to breathe' before my assignments completely choke me.

There was a rumour going on that once we get into our majors, the workload would be less. They better not be lying.

*breath in*

How should I put this? I. Was. Right?

What I thought was a mere figment of overthinking/imagination on my part turned out to be true. My friend (of the same gender) really likes me!

I don't think I've ever felt this complicated in my life ever. I've survived many years through middle and high school intact but the moment I step into college, I'm a mess. What does all this mean?

Within a mere one and a quarter semesters into college (that's less than half a year!) I've been confessed to twice, I've confessed once, been the victim of unrequited love twice, been the recipient of unrequited love once, turned down confessions twice and both times, it were for different reasons.

When I first entered college, I was determined to enjoy myself and make new friends. That wasn't exactly an invitation to jumble up my emotions but inevitably, it happened anyway. I'd like to blame someone but it the end, it all came back to me.

All I can do now is pour all my faith in God's plan for me and pray that he'll guide me safely through all obstacles.

I'm going to knock myself in the head in future for thinking this but at the moment, I suspect that my friend (of the same gender) likes me. What should I do to stop thinking stupid thoughts like this?!

ARGH, gee, why are you such a stupid individual?!

For the first time in a long time, I felt like taking a knife to my skin today. Always I have refrained because my Father hates it when we hurt our own body and today was no different. It just felt strange that I've descended into emo-ness again after all this while. And it took falling in love to get me here.

Still, I'm very grateful for my seme, who immediately tried to cheer me up when I told her that I felt particularly sad today. Also, I will be able to try and forget everything in all the work I have received. In time, I will forget that during this period of my life, I was unwanted by those who I wanted.

Sigh, this week is definitely not my week. Not only have my sketches have been denied twice (Letterforms class and Design 2 Workshop class), I'm in an emotional slump and I can't find my way out of it.

The only proverbial light at the end of the tunnel seems to be the upcoming Comic Fiesta, which is months away. Hopefully, I will be able to get my Mukuro costume put together by then.

On a happier note, I love my new bible. It's red, large and doesn't have any of that bonded leather I hated from my previous bible. Now, I need to get a white one for my brother and stock up on some more instant coffee.

Title: Rehearsal
Pairing: Don/Charlie
Rating: NC-17 or R
Summary: Sometimes, their fights were too rehearsed.
Warnings: incest (does this count as warning?)
A/N: First time doing a Don/Charlie nc-17 so it might seem a bit quirky *scratches back of neck nervously*

( Rehearsal )

As new year approaches, gee's imaginary friend twirls a strande of imaginary black hair and asks gee. "Yo, gee, what are you planning to be in the new year? Chirpy? Angsty? Hyper? Sober? Messy? Distracted?"

"That was totally random," says gee. "What brought that up?"

"Because I've decided. In the new year, I'm going to be..."

"Be...?"

"Annoying!" exclaims gee's imaginary friend happily.

Gee raises an unamused eyebrow and returns to reading Numb3rs fanfiction. "That's what you were this year, idiot."